My birthday weekend went as advertised.
My mom was stressed and anxious because we were all in town and she spent every minute worrying that she didn't have enough food or we would fight each other every minute. My sister turned every possible moment into a drama explosion and then whined about how we were all against her. My brother spent the weekend drunk and stoned until I asked him to send his college friend home so we could have some time with just the family, at which point he blew the fuck up and accused me of being selfish and not supporting Mom.
That was my birthday. I thought maybe we could stop and get birthday dinner somewhere after our flight home, but Ingrid felt sick so we had to race home.
I asked some folks to please celebrate my birthday instead of me, since I'd be otherwise occupied with funeral bullshit. I guess that looked weird in retrospect because no one got back to me with how they did it. Kristy did, but then she's awesome. I just wanted someone, or someones, to be having a nice time on November 3rd since I accurately predicted I would not be.
I've started therapy, which is nice, but it makes me question whether I'm really depressed or whether I'm just self-absorbed. I'm getting an ADHD assessment Wednesday, which one of my friends seems weirdly enthusiastic about. Like "yeah you too join the team", when I'm more like "I wasn't born at the right time for diagnoses like this and I want to know if I've been missing out for 45 years".
My back hurts, my dog is ingrateful, my girl doesn't have a libido, my brother is mad at me and I owe him a couple grand for funeral expenses, my job doesn't pay dick and public servant benefits are not what they once were. I've let my law license lapse, because $250 annually seems like a lot to pay to fool yourself into thinking you'll eventually have a career in law after twenty years of failing. America reelected a fascist, and even if he dies soon we get Fascist Jr.
Things are not great. My therapist gave me some breathing exercises. "Keep breathing" may be all we can hope for for a couple years.
--9:32 AM, EDT, Philadelphia, PA, often antisocial, always antifascist
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