That's not what the Death card means

post 86
written 2006-02-01 20:09:00

I'm a pint short. You'll have to forgive me. I do enjoy giving blood, I do. I just can't always predict the consequences.

Attention, webjournal fans! You love to read about my activities, now you can mimic at least one of them in your own life! For the first time ever, I present, The Heslin Diet.

You can stop that South Beach and Atkins and Eat Only Things That Start With The Letter "P" and Wear A Rubber Suit Until You Almost Pass Out diets! This is the real deal, folks. Check it out:

First, you don't eat anything from the time you get up until, oh, 5 or 7pm.

Then, you eat whatever you want from 7pm until midnight.

Then, you sleep.

When you wake up, begin the process over again! Repeat until you hit your target weight. It's simple, and it's fun!

The Heslin Diet is great because, like the US Constitution, it foresees situations that cannot be directly addressed by its tenets. That's right! If you find an all-you-can-eat Buffalo Wing Nite somewhere, and they're willing to keep serving you past midnight, go ahead! If you reach 7pm and still don't want to eat, you can wave off eating for a night. No one minds. We're all very understanding.

My personal divergence from the Heslin Diet - yes, even I go outside these rules once in a while! - is to eat a single Hershey's Kiss in the fasting period from waking to 7pm. Just one. It's chocolate, which is nice, and is an appetite suppressant, which makes me sound like I know what I'm talking about! Everybody wins!

Give it a try, and if you aren't satisfied with your results, tough! Maybe you just didn't do it long enough. Did you ever think of that? Huh!?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to finish the drink from my KFC dinner.

2.1.06, 8:09 PM, EST, Ada, OH, well past the time when I'm allowed to eat KFC

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