That's not what the Death card means

Thirty minutes over Chestnut Street
written 2011-04-21 14:55:41

Hostess: "Hi! How many?"

Me: "Just one, for take-out."

Hostess: "You can go over to the bar, then."

Me: "Thank you."

Bartender: "Hey, welcome to Ruby Tuesday's! Can I start you off with a drink?"

Me: "No thanks, I wanted to get take-out."

Bartender: "What can I get you?"

Me: "Can I get a burger, please? With an order of fries."

Bartender: "Do you want to see a menu?"

Me: "No thanks, I just wanted to get a burger."

Bartender: "Well, we have a lot of great burgers."

Me: "Yeah, just a plain burger, ketchup and mustard, please."

Bartender: "But there's a couple of kinds of burgers, we offer."

Me: "Just... just a plain, regular burger. Please?"

Bartender: "Let me get you that menu."

Me: /disappointed silence

Bartender: "See there, we have the Triple Prime Burger, and that's a better cut!"

Me: "Great. Could I please just get the regular burger." (note the lack of question mark punctuation, as I have stopped asking, since asking has not achieved the desired result.)

Bartender: "But what do you want on it? We have the Apple Smokewood Baconburger..."

Me: "Really, just a plain hamburger, ketchup and mustard."

Bartender: "You want cheese, though, right?"

Me: "No. I don't. Plain burger, please."

Bartender: "You want that with lettuce, tomato, fresh onions, mayo?"

Me: "No. Ketchup, mustard. Please."

Bartender: "Do you want fries?"

Me: "Yes."

Bartender: "Do you want anything else?"

Me: "No."

(five minutes pass while he enters my order in the computer.)

Bartender: "Here you go!"

(hands me a receipt for a Triple Prime Burger, walks away to help someone else. Apparently the question mark was advisable even if it appeared to be failing.)

Me: "Excuse me."

Bartender: "What can I help you with?"

Me: "I need you to change this to a regular burger."

Bartender: (looks at receipt, looks at me, jogs to the kitchen to tell the cook to spit in my food)

(twenty-five minutes pass, included the serving of food to someone who arrived after I did, and the serving of drinks to three girls who will not be sleeping with him tonight)

Bartender: (with my food in a take-out box) "I guess it was hiding under someone else's order. Sorry about that. Did you need anything else." (He too has abandoned the question mark, knowing full well my reply before I give it.)

Me: (restraining urge to lunge across bar and beat him to death with the margarita glass rack [full]) "No, I'm good, thanks."

Result: Spent 30 minutes on lunch expecting 15 - and mind you, I still have to eat at my desk. That was just waiting. Received sweaty, floppy french fries because they were sitting in the take-out box too long. Burger on some multi-grain whole wheat healthier for you oh wait, you ordered a burger and fries and you want healthy? bun.

Why did I go to Ruby Tuesday again?

--2:51 PM, Philadelphia, PA, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here

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